Verizon: Your Data is Ever So Important to Us!

The story about Verizon handing private data to the NSA is indeed outrageous…but seriously, it’s Verizon, how well could it have worked? Something like this perhaps?

Screen Shot 2013-06-07 at 5.47.22 PMHello, you've reached the Verizon Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act Help Line. Although your call is special to us, we are currently serving other security agencies, and you will be placed in the queue for faster service. There are currently, pause [nine], callers ahead of you, including Mossad, Chinese State Security, and Vladimir Putin's Dry Cleaner, but rest assured you are currently ahead of Latvia and Belize. Your call is important to us!

Hold music “Danger Zone” for 10 minutes.

Hello, we are still busy helping other callers with their business and surveillance needs. If you would like to use our automated help line for frequently requested queries, press 1, otherwise please stay on the line and a representative will be with you shortly. Did you know you can now get free automatic upgrades based on usage via quick and convenient text messages right from your phone? Text us today, and soon you will be a gold elite Verizon Surveillance Service Member (for users who trace 10000 or more calls a month) entitling you to free cocktails at any DoubleTree bar where are you using one of our handy assumed identities. Txt 007up to us right now and enroll today!

Presses 1

Please listen carefully to the menu options, as we are currently updating them based on pending litigation, and they may change during the course of this call. If you have a subpoena, please press 1, if you don't have a subpoena, please press 2.

Presses 1

Thank you. If your question is technical, press 1, if you have forgotten your PIN, press 2, if you are using our mobile app or web site, press 3, if your computer crashed after downloading metadata from tracking a gazzillion phone calls and you don't know what to do, press 4, if you just lost the message about that fantasy baseball league you wanted to join, and would like us to undelete it for you, press 5. Press 6 for all other inquiries or to speak to a representative.

Presses 2.

We are sorry to hear that you have lost your PIN, and frankly a little disappointed. But Verizon realizes these things happen! We regret to inform you, however, that you cannot reset your PIN via this help line, only your FISA customer representative, your control, or Senator Diane Feinstein can do that. To meet your FISA customer representative, please hang up and drive to the Pittsburgh Bus Station and ask Eunice for the key to locker 002. You will know what to do after that. If you would like to speak to a representative about another issue, please press 1, otherwise, please hang up.

Presses 1

A representative will be with you shortly; as customer service is job one at Verizon, will you help us out by staying on the line to take a brief survey about whether we are meeting all your surveillance needs? Please press 1 for yes.

Live cheerful voice trying hard to sound like it belongs to somebody from Iowa comes on the line, Hello, My name is Lindsey, thank you for your call, how can I help you today?

Joking aside, seems like a lot of bets are out on the inability of the public to get exercised by this latest affront. Maybe digital media is the new opiate of the masses, but are we so high on it that we let government in on our every move without putting up a ruckus?

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2 Replies to “Verizon: Your Data is Ever So Important to Us!”

  1. Did you hack into Verizon’s system and copy their phone script? This is priceless.!You will be getting a visit from the NSA shortly.

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